Very Serious Post- Don't Read Unless You Are Prepared For Devastating News

I have Cancer. There. I have said it out loud, so why doesn't it feel any better. The last 12 hours have been painful for Daniel and I. I had my stitches removed yesterday morning and I got a call from the Dr. last night at 6:30pm. He told me the biopsy had come back and it was cancer. A rare form of cancer that he has heard of and has learned of but has never seen a case of. Kind of like unicorns. We all know what they are, we have read about them but no one has ever seen one. He feels confident though since we got all of the tissue when doing the biopsy plus the root. He considers me cancer free. What he didn't know is that 18 months ago I was diagnosed with cancer near my cervix. I had 4 tumors consisting of mutanagenic cells, 2 malignant, 2 benign that were caught early in stage 1. Daniel and I had been married for only 6 months and the idea of losing me was more than he could bare. We wanted to have children so the traditional surgery to remove them was out of the question. They used a different procedure, removed them and then monitored me for 1 year afterwards. Last June I was diagnosed as cancer free and now this. At this, the Dr. was very concerned. He said he was going to be in contact with my baby Dr. and they were going to be in contact with me shortly. Am I moving towards dying (Me) or am I moving towards life (Sophia). I just can't tell. My life, my body is an oxymoron right now. I am devastated and yet relieved. Look at all I have accomplished, all I have done, all I have gone through and I still got pregnant. Death and destruction CAN breed life. And yet none of this is comforting right now. Is my child being affected, is she in pain, is she healthy, will I carry to term, will I lose my child, will I never she her sweet little face? Will I die, what is my time frame, will I have enough time with my daughter to tell her how much I love her and show her what she means to me and her father- how she has become the center of our universe and the love of our life? I didn't ask myself any of these questions before. One because I wasn't pregnant and two because I wanted to ignore the situation even though I was terrified and was trying to think happy thoughts and hope for the best. Now my mortality is coming into play. I am a strong Christian woman and damn proud of it. I know my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and I know where I am going after my time is up here on Earth. I just didn't think it might be this soon. Much of this I know is prelim. We don't know how bad it is or whether or not there is more of it. No point in being fatalistic but being realistic is not a sin. I know I can play what if all day long, but I have to be honest with myself. There is a chance that all of these things I am thinking could happen. My mind wanders and I think of Daniel. The love of my life. The man who taught me how to love again. The one who complimented me not completed me. He taught me I was whole unto myself and that noone could complete me. My adventure man. The one I trust my life to. And then there is Sophia, my daughter, my baby. Every little girl dreams of growing up, meeting her prince charming, getting married and being a mom. I am finally at that point in time in my life. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life and now dreadfully terrified all wrapped up in one. I want to live but would be willing to die for her. How can I be both paradoxes at once? There is so much that is up in the air. Family to call, discussion to be had, specialists to see. I will try my hardest to not stress and have anxiety. It is not good for Sophia. And so my life takes a different turn. Not a turn for the worse or one for the better. Just a turn. I don't know what lies ahead or what we are in for. All I know is that I am a fighter. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I am stuborn and will not go down without a fight. Here is to the good fight. That the best woman wins!!!!!